Category: stuff

I don’t really put a lot of time talking about my sexuality because, like many things, it’s a thing that doesn’t really concern the greater population.

I’m pretty fucking bisexual though. I go with ‘gender blind’ a lot because, well, I don’t really care? If I’m attracted to a person, I’m attracted to a person. That’s what makes up some of me, so I would… mostly prefer that people accepted and vaguely respected that?

I mostly brush off the comments about being straight because I married a man. I have horrible gut wrenching anxieties, especially when drunk, that I am a very, very bad lesbian.

…but it really hurts something extra when my dearest friends insinuate I’m not.. enough. That I don’t belong. That I really am just straight.

One of them did jump right in because I get tongue tied out of bisexual guilt and it’s an exhausting fight to keep treading on a constant basis.

Still.

Just because my legs dangle over the edge doesn’t mean I’m not here.

Wow it’s been a while since I made an actual boring blog post about my life.

Mostly because everything’s gone to shit and keeps getting worse every time I dare think there’s a upswing….

Anyway.

Here I am, writing a stupid little update about my stupid little life just to get it out of my brain case. And for the bots coming by to scan this for keywords, hello you darling little things. You’re not bad you’re just programmed to do this.

Things have been… Difficult. For most of the past year I’ve felt even more adrift in the chaos than than ever before. I thought about exiting more times than I’d like to admit. (Relax, I’m past it for now.)

I was afraid I’d be losing one of, if not, the biggest anchors to my life. While that seems to be at least on hold through March for now, the idea of losing a multi year constant like that when I feel at my lowest is honestly pretty nightmareish.

I find zero fulfillment in my job. It’s ‘good’ work, I help and interact with lots of people but its filled with too much drama, too many people who focus on the trees instead of the forest. As of literally today I’ve clawed my way into being so ‘needed’ that I can actually pay my rent with one check which doesn’t feel as good as my thirty minutes of weakly sobbing wanted to.

My health is also in shambles, aside from my borked brain. I’ve been on some new medicine for six months and I’m seeing results which again, doesn’t feel as good as I want it to. For a while I kept having what I can only call dysphoria because I just didn’t feel like me. The flesh unit I’m piloting isn’t mine and it still isn’t. And then there’s the monthly drop of hormones that send me right back to teetering on the edge.

In positive news, I started ‘caretaking’, glorified tech support, for The Satanic Estate and that’s actually really fun. They also let me lead the writers group which, is also really fun. I like being a Satanist, was that the free space on the Meilin bingo card?

I got over myself somewhere in late 2020 and pushed some fanfiction out onto the internet. Getting an email about a ‘kudo’ actually brings me close to tears every time because it’s my words that someone did the bare minimum for. I can’t even get people who know me to do that.

And I am eternally grossly in love with my husband. He deals with all my shit. I don’t get it, I get sick of myself.

Somewhere between Endwalker – best summarized as ‘Nothing in life really matters and that’s FINE’, and MDZS – walking the single plank path in the dark instead of the broad lit path is also FINE, I felt something stirring again. Something long lost and missing and so much me.

This year I want to keep losing myself in these things again. I want to shamelessly construct a world around my very soul filled with disgusting what happened if’s. I want to chase down obscure lore bits for a head canon nobody’s going to be as into as I will. I want to re-read the tender romances until my heart aches when I don’t. I want to rewatch the anime, the movies, the cutscenes, until I can call up the words of imaginary friends without so much as a second thought.

And with all that swirling around me I want to create. I want to pour all these feelings into something with my fingers and my words and every inch of it shamelessly Meilin regardless of what anyone else thinks of me.

This is not going to be of course a perfect path. I will lay on my side, alone, wishing I had my puppy back. I will cry at the thought of not having my friends close by. I will mourn friendships that have gone. My anxieties will grasp me even though I’m fine and safe and loved.

And if all of this shatters, if this momentary calm in my mind turns back to endless stormy seas, god dammit let this be a reminder that I existed again for five fucking minutes, that this empty space was for one second used again.

With love, Meilin.

It’s now insanely clear how lost I have gotten. I had gone from ‘living’ to ‘existing’, and it’s all because six morons decided to come camp out at my house for nearly two weeks that I understand that.

They called it Meicon. And it was wonderful.

Continue reading “Meicon 2015”

[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:32 AM] Otter: LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:32 AM] Otter: YOU’RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Terra: Well maybe if you cleaned up once in a while…
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Otter: :O
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Terra: Put on a dress. Prettied yourself up.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Terra: Maybe I’d take you out. We’d leave the kids with Aunty Ryio and have a night out.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: But no. You’re always wearing that frumpy smock.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Otter: It’s comfy
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: It’s coveted in bacon fat
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: You remind me of your mother.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Otter: It’s comfy and smells of bacon
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Otter: What’s not to like
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: Frumpy!
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Terra: You’re not the woman I married.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: We’re not even married!
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: Wait
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: Was I drunk?
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Ryio: Who wants to play cribbage? (That’s what auntys do right?)
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Terra: WHAT HAS BECOME OF US CHISTOS.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: Did we get married by Elvis?
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Terra: He was a nice man
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: I’m sure he was lovely.

I take back all the nice things I’ve ever said about my friend Terra BECAUSE I CAN.

j/k I like him so much I want him to make a fool of my husband on our wedding day.

…meanie.

Buddha was walking into the city market one day and near the city entrance an old bitter man was sitting on a box glaring at Buddha, who carried a bright smile on his face. At the sight of him this old man started cursing Buddha up and down, left right and center, telling him how pretentious he was, how much better he thought he was and how he did nothing worthy of the air he breathed in this world. But Buddha simply smiled and kept on walking to the market to get what he needed. The Next day Buddha returned to the market and once again that old man was there, this time his cursing intensified, screaming and yelling at Buddha as he walked by, cursing his mother, cursing his father and everyone else in his life.

This went on for the rest of the week and finally as the Buddha was leaving the market the man came up to him, as his curiosity had simply gotten the best of him. “Buddha, every day you come here smiling and every day I curse your name, I curse your family and everything you believe in” the old man says ” but every day you enter this city with a smile knowing that I await you with my harsh tongue, and everyday you leave through the same entrance with that same smile. I know by speaking to you now that you are not deaf, why do you keep on smiling while I do nothing but scream the worst things I can think of to your face?”

Buddha, with the same smile still on his face looks at the old man and asks “If I were to bring you a gift tomorrow morning all wrapped up in a beautiful box would you accept it?” to which the old man replies “Absolutely not, I would take nothing from the likes of you!”.

“Ah ha” the Buddha replies “Well if I were to offer you this gift and you were to refuse then who would this gift belong to?”. “It would still belong to you of course” answers the old man. “And so the same goes with your anger, when I choose not to accept your gift of anger , does it not then remain your own?”

Never in my life have I felt more desperate to find and hug someone.

One of my friends lost his dad the other morning. I knew it was coming, he had told me that he’d be missing from our general super static stupidity when he had gone home the first time. I’ve offered to be an ear if he needed it and when it first happened, I spent some silly money to get him something he’d be unable to get for a while because that’s all I could really do.

There’s that big ocean thing separating us. Sigh.

All my love Terra, I hope you come back online soon, at least our stupidity can make you smile. It’s really odd and terrible to think about such a generally happy, awesome guy so utterly miserable.