Wow it’s been a while since I made an actual boring blog post about my life.
Mostly because everything’s gone to shit and keeps getting worse every time I dare think there’s a upswing….
Here I am, writing a stupid little update about my stupid little life just to get it out of my brain case. And for the bots coming by to scan this for keywords, hello you darling little things. You’re not bad you’re just programmed to do this.
Things have been… Difficult. For most of the past year I’ve felt even more adrift in the chaos than than ever before. I thought about exiting more times than I’d like to admit. (Relax, I’m past it for now.)
I was afraid I’d be losing one of, if not, the biggest anchors to my life. While that seems to be at least on hold through March for now, the idea of losing a multi year constant like that when I feel at my lowest is honestly pretty nightmareish.
I find zero fulfillment in my job. It’s ‘good’ work, I help and interact with lots of people but its filled with too much drama, too many people who focus on the trees instead of the forest. As of literally today I’ve clawed my way into being so ‘needed’ that I can actually pay my rent with one check which doesn’t feel as good as my thirty minutes of weakly sobbing wanted to.
My health is also in shambles, aside from my borked brain. I’ve been on some new medicine for six months and I’m seeing results which again, doesn’t feel as good as I want it to. For a while I kept having what I can only call dysphoria because I just didn’t feel like me. The flesh unit I’m piloting isn’t mine and it still isn’t. And then there’s the monthly drop of hormones that send me right back to teetering on the edge.
In positive news, I started ‘caretaking’, glorified tech support, for The Satanic Estate and that’s actually really fun. They also let me lead the writers group which, is also really fun. I like being a Satanist, was that the free space on the Meilin bingo card?
I got over myself somewhere in late 2020 and pushed some fanfiction out onto the internet. Getting an email about a ‘kudo’ actually brings me close to tears every time because it’s my words that someone did the bare minimum for. I can’t even get people who know me to do that.
And I am eternally grossly in love with my husband. He deals with all my shit. I don’t get it, I get sick of myself.
Somewhere between Endwalker – best summarized as ‘Nothing in life really matters and that’s FINE’, and MDZS – walking the single plank path in the dark instead of the broad lit path is also FINE, I felt something stirring again. Something long lost and missing and so much me.
This year I want to keep losing myself in these things again. I want to shamelessly construct a world around my very soul filled with disgusting what happened if’s. I want to chase down obscure lore bits for a head canon nobody’s going to be as into as I will. I want to re-read the tender romances until my heart aches when I don’t. I want to rewatch the anime, the movies, the cutscenes, until I can call up the words of imaginary friends without so much as a second thought.
And with all that swirling around me I want to create. I want to pour all these feelings into something with my fingers and my words and every inch of it shamelessly Meilin regardless of what anyone else thinks of me.
This is not going to be of course a perfect path. I will lay on my side, alone, wishing I had my puppy back. I will cry at the thought of not having my friends close by. I will mourn friendships that have gone. My anxieties will grasp me even though I’m fine and safe and loved.
And if all of this shatters, if this momentary calm in my mind turns back to endless stormy seas, god dammit let this be a reminder that I existed again for five fucking minutes, that this empty space was for one second used again.
With love, Meilin.