My Static Texts Are Hysterical

[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:32 AM] Otter: LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:32 AM] Otter: YOU’RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Terra: Well maybe if you cleaned up once in a while…
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Otter: :O
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Terra: Put on a dress. Prettied yourself up.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:33 AM] Terra: Maybe I’d take you out. We’d leave the kids with Aunty Ryio and have a night out.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: But no. You’re always wearing that frumpy smock.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Otter: It’s comfy
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: It’s coveted in bacon fat
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: You remind me of your mother.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Otter: It’s comfy and smells of bacon
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Otter: What’s not to like
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:34 AM] Terra: Frumpy!
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Terra: You’re not the woman I married.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: We’re not even married!
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: Wait
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: Was I drunk?
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Ryio: Who wants to play cribbage? (That’s what auntys do right?)
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Terra: WHAT HAS BECOME OF US CHISTOS.
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: Did we get married by Elvis?
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Terra: He was a nice man
[Thursday, February 26, 2015 10:35 AM] Otter: I’m sure he was lovely.

What have I been doing to myself?

I went on an interview I feel good about, but if I get the job or not, I don’t know if I care. I went to Canada, I’m currently sitting behind my husband after one of our late night adventures, granted, we went out in a blizzard, buuuuuut, we didn’t die, right?

And I feel so calm and at peace with myself for the first time in a few months. I don’t feel like my heart is going to race out of my veins, I don’t feel like my head is swimming in pea soup and my glasses got lost hours ago.

I just feel calm.

I’ve overslept, underslept, drank more coffee than I ever have before, though it’s more like sweet milk with a spoonful of coffee, I ran through snow, and went amiibo hunting.

I couldn’t care what happens anymore. I don’t care if I max out my credit card on groceries and Tim Hortons. I don’t want to keep going on feeling like the world is falling onto my head anymore.

Refreshed.

For about 48 hours, I hid.

I hid because I lost my job because I had the gall to write fiction and humor.

To these people, I implore you to remove the MASSIVE stick from your anal cavity.

I’ll give you a hint: Just because someone is not 100% who you think they are, you don’t need to instantly flip your opinion of them. In short:

tumblr_m08gx7IaV41qffb31o1_400

I have taken my first shower since Thursday night (Yes, gross I know…) and I feel refreshed. I feel ALIVE. I was more than willing to get out of bed this morning. Happy, almost.

To my babies, my little ones that will barely have me etched into their memories, I’m sorry. I will miss you dearly. I hope beyond hope that the moron they find to put in there tries to fight for you at least a bit like I did. I also hope you destroy them. Scream, wail, cry,
fight. I loved you all, my babies. I did not, however, love how I was told to teach you. And for that, I am glad, I am free. I took the job as your teacher hoping I could do it. I was never looking for your age group, but, you grew on me, snotlings. I still didn’t want to be there and it was a fight every day to smile and not break into a bazillion pieces.

To my coworkers, WELL ONE OF YOU IS A DICK. They rest of you are kinda cool.

My assistant, well you were damn awesome. Keep on keepin’ on.

Dear world, I will not hide. I refuse.

Fight me.

You know, someone should have really went ‘gee this person is awfully odd on here…’ before you jumped down my throat and looked at me like I was some kind of child molester. Just because I write about people losing their internal organs doesn’t mean I’m not a good human being. Fuck you. I never once mentioned you by name, my name, or even where I was. Wait, no, I take back that fuck you. I am free.

gagahate

Gaga, I want your ass. <3

Maybe it’s my fault?

I think I make myself sick. Monday I was just a stressed mess. I couldn’t do anything and my brain was just mush. I was actually using one of my kids as a tissue (she did the same to me later on. So. Fucking. Gross.)

Of course, by 8 pm, I was dead. I had used up all my mental energy to keep myself from tumbling into a total, full on panic attack. AND GUESS WHAT, I’m home today. I didn’t even want to be home. I don’t even wanna play XIV/Hyrule Warriors/anything OR EVEN BE A MOPEY SHIT.

I’m just beat. Like, I’ve pooped more poo than one human should today, and I had a rash this morning, which I actually went to the doctor for because it was symptom for symptom what my kids at work have and I got worried (since I’ve been treating the kids problems as teething related!). I just feel like this is somehow my fault.

 

I feel like this a lot lately, actually.

 

Ughhh this whole depression thing is not quite fun.

 

Current mood: Rwr1HwP

I swear if I’m not gonna kill myself, he’ll do it for me.

Me and my husband had a date yesterday. It was a virtual date, doing some sight-seeing around XIV.

ffxiv_01102015_144411It was a pretty good time, honestly.

Of course, he had to spear me to the heart and tell me that he’d really like it if I could come visit soon, that he really misses me and really needs me to come up.

I really have one vacation day and an attorney to pay for and I feel like I have a cold and he’s busy trying to kill me.

ffxiv_01102015_161201I don’t know how much longer I can do this.,,,

 

 

Resolutions

  • Plan my wedding
  • Be more productive
  • Be a better Japanese student
  • Don’t kill self
  • Go back to school
  • Find Saeran/Laurel/Rahal/Merke/Zenrei/ect
  • Spoil husband
  • Be healthy
  • Don’t kill self
  • Read more
  • Game more than read
  • Buy Lizard of Guilt. Guilt self everywhere.

Suicide rescheduled until Wednesday

I feel rancid.

Everything on paper says I should be happy. Married, employed, crippling MMO addiction with some of the most awesome people I can imagine.

Married, yeah, recently ready to tear a bitch down because her husband went home for two days and started shit because we copied her ‘we miss you!’ thing. Like, total bitch fit, wahh how dare you don’t understand fit. Yeah, last time I saw my husband was in November. This is where he would go ‘but we’ve done this for three years!’, yeah, well, now I’m completely in control of taking care of you now and I’m going absolutly bonkers waiting for someone to say its ok for you to be here.

Employed, in almost my dream job? Except it’s the wrong age group. All of my plans are constantly being stopped because they move younger kids in, kids with different schedules, kids I have to nap and spoonfeed and whelp, there goes my lesson plan. I don’t want to be with kids this young. I want to be with older ones… I never wanted to be here. I just needed a job. I can’t even find the empathy to fake laugh at them anymore sometimes. I just, related to point 1, can’t do it!

I feel RANCID. I don’t want to play XIV, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t even want to play Hyrule Warriors. I just want to sleep. I haven’t slept well in so long. I have these horrible weird dreams and wake up heart racing and I just… stop. There’s no going back to bed, it’s, hey, 3am, I wonder what’s on the internet.

I haven’t written in weeks.

I want to be nasty and scream and cry and just not be.

Mostly because my husband is worried that I’m jumping off the deep end, I think I’m staying home today. I’m tired and I can’t stop going potty and my tummy hurts and I just don’t feel like being part of the screaming today.

Also I couldn’t find the motivation to shower. That’s kinda scary too.

Couldn’t kill myself Monday, committed to something on XIV. Can’t kill myself tonight, got static.

Wednesday.

I’m penciled in for Wednesday.

Frozen

Her pigtails seemed frozen solid to her face, fingers moving slowly trying to pry them from blueish skin.

As the queen of ice slowly lifted skyward, her body dissipating into the aether, she abandoned her staff, and jumped.

Barely reaching the snowy face, her frostbitten fingers clutched something. The near-gone body leaned forward and whispered into her ear.

The woman’s party dashed, as much as frozen limbs can dash, to cushion her fall as she plummeted back to the ground. When they caught her, clutched in her hands, a diamond.

A diamond tear.


OH I JUST HAVE TO BE MISERABLE, EH MUSE?! IS THAT IT?!