The Most Intimate?

Follow up to “I know you.”

A transformation. The most intimate, revealing of all the skills at one’s disposal. A mere familiar should not have been able to cast it. It wasn’t just her essence that perfumed the air, it was her very soul that turned the quiet space of the room into a wail.

The transformation was both beautiful and painful. From her fingertips birthed long claws that bled in bleeding white. Her skin turned to fine white porcelain, glued together with rivers of gold that bloomed into haphazard flowers. Those clawed hands came up to cover the eyes that all color had bled from as golden halos rested skewed on her hips, one becoming a collar tight to her neck. 

As she stood tall, no longer a mortal, no longer a familiar, wisp, or prankful shade, she lowered her hands from her eyes. Now blinded, a delicate, red haze settled over her face. It was hardly holding together, the outline barely a shape. 

Azem, the Fourteenth.

There was no denying who she was anymore. No more pretending not to notice her laugh was the same as the friend they saw off for a long trip only a few hours ago. No more ignoring the tilt of her head, the hesitant curl of her fingers.


Azem from the future.

Continue reading “The Most Intimate?”

I know you.

How can you retell a tale you only so faintly know the beginning of? 

Under your intense stare, how am I meant to tell you what you become?

I’m from page 500 of your story, while you’re only on page 30. This shouldn’t have happened. We’re not meant to meet here. 

Not like this.

“You do not know me.”

His finger pointed across the table. 

His yellow eyes glowed with rage. 

I do not know you?

Something deep inside my chest shatters so violently I’m afraid the three people in the room can hear it. 

I can hardly breathe. 

You flooded my shattered soul with anesthetic. 

You painted the color back into my eyes.

“Now, now, let’s calm down a bit here.” 

“I have had my fill of your fiction!” 

You turned me into a beast to tear out the heart too broken to beat!

File this under: Rewriting bits of Forgiven Lilies to make Endwalker make sense. Fuck me I love you stinky rat man.

A Year in Review : 2021

Wow it’s been a while since I made an actual boring blog post about my life.

Mostly because everything’s gone to shit and keeps getting worse every time I dare think there’s a upswing….


Here I am, writing a stupid little update about my stupid little life just to get it out of my brain case. And for the bots coming by to scan this for keywords, hello you darling little things. You’re not bad you’re just programmed to do this.

Things have been… Difficult. For most of the past year I’ve felt even more adrift in the chaos than than ever before. I thought about exiting more times than I’d like to admit. (Relax, I’m past it for now.)

I was afraid I’d be losing one of, if not, the biggest anchors to my life. While that seems to be at least on hold through March for now, the idea of losing a multi year constant like that when I feel at my lowest is honestly pretty nightmareish.

I find zero fulfillment in my job. It’s ‘good’ work, I help and interact with lots of people but its filled with too much drama, too many people who focus on the trees instead of the forest. As of literally today I’ve clawed my way into being so ‘needed’ that I can actually pay my rent with one check which doesn’t feel as good as my thirty minutes of weakly sobbing wanted to.

My health is also in shambles, aside from my borked brain. I’ve been on some new medicine for six months and I’m seeing results which again, doesn’t feel as good as I want it to. For a while I kept having what I can only call dysphoria because I just didn’t feel like me. The flesh unit I’m piloting isn’t mine and it still isn’t. And then there’s the monthly drop of hormones that send me right back to teetering on the edge.

In positive news, I started ‘caretaking’, glorified tech support, for The Satanic Estate and that’s actually really fun. They also let me lead the writers group which, is also really fun. I like being a Satanist, was that the free space on the Meilin bingo card?

I got over myself somewhere in late 2020 and pushed some fanfiction out onto the internet. Getting an email about a ‘kudo’ actually brings me close to tears every time because it’s my words that someone did the bare minimum for. I can’t even get people who know me to do that.

And I am eternally grossly in love with my husband. He deals with all my shit. I don’t get it, I get sick of myself.

Somewhere between Endwalker – best summarized as ‘Nothing in life really matters and that’s FINE’, and MDZS – walking the single plank path in the dark instead of the broad lit path is also FINE, I felt something stirring again. Something long lost and missing and so much me.

This year I want to keep losing myself in these things again. I want to shamelessly construct a world around my very soul filled with disgusting what happened if’s. I want to chase down obscure lore bits for a head canon nobody’s going to be as into as I will. I want to re-read the tender romances until my heart aches when I don’t. I want to rewatch the anime, the movies, the cutscenes, until I can call up the words of imaginary friends without so much as a second thought.

And with all that swirling around me I want to create. I want to pour all these feelings into something with my fingers and my words and every inch of it shamelessly Meilin regardless of what anyone else thinks of me.

This is not going to be of course a perfect path. I will lay on my side, alone, wishing I had my puppy back. I will cry at the thought of not having my friends close by. I will mourn friendships that have gone. My anxieties will grasp me even though I’m fine and safe and loved.

And if all of this shatters, if this momentary calm in my mind turns back to endless stormy seas, god dammit let this be a reminder that I existed again for five fucking minutes, that this empty space was for one second used again.

With love, Meilin.


Not gonna lie, I started seeing the CUTEST anime boy on my twitter timeline earlier this year and eventually tracked it down to the animated telling of Mo Dao Xu Shi, which…

Look, that anime was consumed in two days. I was hooked.

Then I made the mistake of finding the fan translation of the novel. Consumed. I watched The Untamed. I literally cannot get enough of this fucking story because it yanks on my heart in every which way.

Here’s some horrible domestic tooth rotting fluff because I’m writing the smut but the smut needs to simmer like pork rib and lotus root soup. Wouldn’t want there not to be enough seasoning, would you?

Lan WanJi barely hears his own footsteps as he drags himself slowly across the familiar path. His ears are ringing, the whole world just a buzz, a hiss, the endless sting of his wounds screaming out at him. Screaming at him that he was wrong. That this is wrong. 

Wei Ying.

Closing his eyes he can dull the buzzing just a bit, but the only thing that replaces the noise is his brother’s voice. Lan XiChen had come to dress his wounds, he whispered in his most gentle of voices. 

“Wanji… they raided the burial mounds. Wei WuXian… Young Master Wei is gone.”

Continue reading “Nightmares”

A Song of a Distant World

Holy shit I both updated my blog AND it’s original fiction. Who knew?

Each and every night I take to the stage, it is to tell the same story with my voice. It’s to call up a world too real to only be a dream, pain too harsh to only be fantasy. The hundreds of eyes that watch me upon the stage never know I’m fading away as I recall the memories that bring out my voice.

 My hands always shake when I reach out to grab the microphone. 

Will he hear me tonight?

My hands, gloved in white satin, clutch the cold metal stand as the intro plays. My dress swishes as I step forward. I close my eyes and return to the only place I was truly alive.

A Hero’s Threadbare Cloth

Who can act when the Warrior of Light cannot?

[Highly recommend completing the Dark Knight job quests through to lv80 and taking a gander through the Firmament. Otherwise, this isn’t gonna make a lot of sense.]

I thought our heart was quelled of this anger, yet here we are again. 

Though, it seems you have been busy in this time of peace. While our hands tremble, the snow is gently blanketing the many homes you yourself helped to construct. They are home to the many needy of Ishgard. People like me. People like you. People like us. 

But, you did not expect to see him in the infirmary, did you? You did not expect him to survive.

Count Edmont is happy to see you, though worried as you came knocking in the dead of night, during a snowstorm. With Emmanellain overseeing Camp Dragonhead, the house is quiet. Artoirel’s worry mimics his father’s as you apologize for the intrusion and ask only for the key to your room – a room on the lower floor, a floor servants and bastard children. 

Artoriel protests, insisting you stay in the guest room where it’s warm, and that he’ll have food and a doctor by before the hour passes, but you decline. All you want is sleep, and with Edmont putting a gentle hand on your shoulder, he dismisses the oldest son of House Fortemps to allow you your repose on your terms. 

Everything is just as you left it as you crash into the burlap sack filled with little more than straw and discarded wool. The sheets are still cold from him, though the moonlight catches a single silver-blue strand of hair on the pillow. 

You cannot steady yourself from this, can you? You have conquered over man and god, yet a single bloody stray hair has cracked you in two. Wipe your face.

The unsteady gait of Edmont grabs your attention and you open your door to him, a tray of leftovers. He dotes on you like a father does a sick child as he settles your food on the poor excuse of a table. He brushes back your hair and asks you if there is anything he can do, but you insist you’re alright, weary from your trials, and painfully homesick. He tells you to come home more often, you try to protest, but he insists, and then wishes you a restful sleep as he dries the tears on your face with his fingertips.

What would he say if you revealed what you saw earlier today? What would he say if he knew in our heart what you wanted to do?

The snow has subsided. The Firmament is bright, cheery even. Today you are lending some of your time to the infirmary, being one of the only white mages to leave the Twelveswood, your skills are a blessing upon these people. 

If only they knew that you were only here to watch the elezen groaning on his cot, his head bandaged, limbs weakly trembling for succor. You watch for hours, wanting the facade to drop, but everyone only suspects it is a man injured, left to die in the snow, and lucky to be found and brought here. 

Before you depart for the evening, you stand over his bed. You watch his pained breaths as he clutches his chest. His lips do not smirk as they did when they peered upon you as an outcast to the world. His voice, which now cries out while locked in nightmares, does not echo with the malice tempered by a primal. 

Are you going to murder Ser Zephirin de Valhourdin, who lays in a stupor, gravely wounded, in the firmament infirmary? Is that why you called out to me again? Do you need the strength to draw your blade across his neck? Or should it be a spear to the gut? Your hands would tremble at the blood that drips from the wound. Perhaps it should be poison. You could even be the one to pass it over his lips with a smile, then watch the blackened sick cross his lips and you stand over him, watching the dregs of his life cast away. 

Are you looking for justice or vengeance?

Don’t you remember that vengeance is what got us here in the first place?

I will do this for us. Decide on his fate, gather the tools of his execution, then cast yourself to the night. I will do the rest. 

Count Edmont has come to the Firmament to fetch you. People are calling out our name. Best not be seen lingering here. 

Our favorite little fool is back. She hesitates your hand as you reach for the door of the infirmary. She begs us – return to Fortemps Manor. Summon Emmanellain to mock. Reveal the truth of Captain Carvallain to House Durendaire. Leave Ishgard! Anything!

Still, as you lay in the bed you shared, take meals in the home he opened to you, and hear his voice in the words of his father, you cannot stop thinking about it, can you? 

You need me, now, more than ever. 

I will end this. 

Good morning. The sun is rising over Ishgard. We truly thought of everything. You left a change of clothes nearby.  Careful as you stand, you would surely live to regret if you painted his gravestone with blood.  Or perhaps, you want to? But, alas, I feel myself finally starting to fade. Our breath has finally calmed, our heart no longer threatens to burst from our chest. 

Cast your bloody robes into the yearning chasm along with the sword clutched tight in your hand. Wash yourself clean with the snow, then pitch it over as well. Now, we shall be entwined forever more. I won’t be able to stop you next time. 

He knew. He cried out for mercy, Warrior of Light. He knew, and we did not care as we took his life. We did it with a smile, for a smile suits a hero. 

Isn’t that right?


The other night, this happened.

[FC]<Kiyohime Sakura> the level 1 job quest should really give you a coffin or something
[FC]<Mifee Brew> something to bury our future enemies in
[FC]<Kiyohime Sakura> I meant a coffin of equipment but that works too xd
[FC]<Meilin Kikkano> coffer, ya goose
[FC]<Cecile Lothaire> LOL
[FC]<Meilin Kikkano> coffins are full of dead people
[FC]<Meilin Kikkano> coffers are full of gear
[FC]<Kiyohime Sakura> o
[FC]<Cecile Lothaire> so, ya want a nice coffin. ROFL

This got absolutely stuck in my braincase, so I wrote this. Sorry Kiyohime.

    The glow of the several taverns leaked out into the alleyways, both in light and noise. A small woman dashed to and fro from the lights, poking her head into the doorways before apologizing and dashing along to the next one. Her tail peeped from the bottom of her cloak, following her head back and forth as she traveled. 

    Finally, she spied what she was looking for, and dashed over the threshold of the door. 

“I have solved all of our equipment problems!” Kyio slammed a sheet of paper down onto the tavern table in front of a party of three “A dungeon full of coffers! The client only wants one marked with a family symbol, and the rest are for us to do with as we please!” She crumpled the paper up to her chest and sighed before anyone had a chance to look, her hood sliding back as her pink ears flicked in excitement. “Finally, some armor that isn’t falling apart, though, they asked for this to be completed discreetly so I guess I have to go alone? Cecile, can I borrow some bolts?”

    Cecile slid a package of bolts across the table barely looking away from her glass, one white fur trimmed ear turned to Meilin and Mifee, the other flicking away with a dismissive air. The group  waved Kyio off for luck, but there was a growing uneasiness that something was wrong.

    “Did… did anyone get a good look at that posting?” Meilin put a finger to her lips in a desperate act of concentration between the three large mugs of beer empty at her place. 

Continue reading “Coffins”

Forgiven Lilies – Beginning

Content warning: The full text of Forgiven Lilies is rated 18+and will include themes that can be considered uncomfortable for some.

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Dragging herself across the silt was the Warrior of Light. Emet-Selch wondered how she even managed to get so far in this state. She had blinded herself with haphazard strips of bandages that wrapped around her head, but they did nothing to stem the blistering white tears that arched down her cheeks. Light-charged vomit was on her lips and stained down her neck. Emet-Selch watched her crawl across to the marble floor leaving a messy trail of light in her wake. Her broken cane was still clinging to her tunic as it dragged alongside her, the few remaining armored nails of her gloves helped her grab at the muck of the seafloor, but now as the marble tiles took over, she found it hard to keep her pace. 

    “Here you are, as expected.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Hurry now before you continue to mess all over the floor.”  In response, she moaned and choked up another series of blindingly white vomit before collapsing against the stone. 

    “Really now, you’ve come this far and you can’t even make it through the front door?” Emet-Selch sauntered over to the body curled on the floor, the puddle of fluorescent sick growing ever larger. “I invited a beast, a monster!” She groped blindly for the hem of his coat until he kneeled and hefted her into his arms. “Instead, I received this broken husk of a mortal” She cried out but he only turned her head into his chest and walked her into the false din of Amaurot as he huffed.