November has come and passed. I wrote a fraction, literally less than three thousand words, than I’ve written in previous NaNo’s. December came and went, I wasn’t very productive. January is here and… well… I think my ick is starting to lift. I think. I hope. I pretty much abandoned everything for a while. I slacked on my XIV research. I was seriously three weeks late on a school project. I didn’t write for NaNo. I barely wanted to go to my write-in’s ffs. At least I want to do some of these again.

My new job isn’t great. It’s wrong in…well, it’s wrong in all the places. I’m going back to adolescent education in a huge way working where I am now. It’s all common core and prepping for tests and have I mentioned these children are four?

However, I’m trying to take it as a learning experience. Do not for the love of god do any of this. If common core demands these kids know these skills, how can I make these skills happen less shittily? That’ll be my goal. I just have to spin it to my professor this way because this job is GOOD. I’m making more than most lead teachers do already. It’s in walking distance of my house so I can get off my big, fat ass, and walk to it. It’s a 15ish min walk, it’s almost nice. It’s so very mechanical and I know in six months it’ll make me nuts. Some of the kids know my name. Some. I know a few of theirs. None of them have been chased around though, none of them have asked me for ‘one more!’ jump/ride/run/scare. It feels weird. The stuff I’m asked to make them do lacks in any sort of fun. Why do they have to make playdough ‘candies’? Why can’t they just have a hunk of playdough? Why does dramatic play have to be about shelter? We don’t really have a theme going on except ‘NYS says they have to play shelter games’. For three days we’ve played a ‘game’ where we roll a blow up die and they put an x through the number that was rolled. Why? I have no idea. The kids hate it. I hate it. I make them do it once, maybe twice, before I let them color on the mats we’re using because they aren’t paying attention anyway.

These kids are so far behind the kids I’ve dealt with before and I can’t do anything to hone those skills that they really need, not skills NYS thinks they need. However, in six months I should be eligible to take my exam and then I can start applying for jobs as a lead teacher… maybe. If the tests aren’t delayed. I’ll take a pay cut. I’ll take a drive. I just can’t be here forever, can I?

I went to Canada for two weeks. I spent two weeks with my boyfriend. It’s still weird with just the two of us now.. I mean, I’m still sort of used to us being three and not just two.

I really hope neither of them ever see this, but I almost like it this way more… It was a jump decision to spend both Christmas and New Year’s with him. I said it. I didn’t think I’d be able to since I was almost sure they’d need me to work. Then it happened. I had an ear infection but I was on a bus going to Canada for two weeks. We lazed about, slept til noon, ate bad food, played XIV and Civ V. She would have hated every second of this. I loved it all. I loved jumping in the car at 1am to get an onion because we saw a food challenge video on YouTube. I loved the bad food. I loved the lazy days.

Am I terrible for wanting this to continue on? I was also expecting him to be working this entire vacation. In a weird twist of horrible, my boyfriend has some miserable health issues and is on medical leave for work. I went in expecting to sit on my ass and catch up on bad tv and came out two weeks… closer? (not the medical leave bit. Just the us bit.)

..and without her, I can go back there on my next vacation now too. I asked, he said yes. I don’t need to wait and see if six various people have plans for something or another. I just get to exist. I feel terrible and wonderful at the same time.

Now I’m home. I’ve finally squashed my sinus headache into the back recesses of my head. I threw out the socks I was wearing when I lost Reginald I since I couldn’t wear them anyway. I have a shopping list written for tomorrow so I can start working on making food for my bento box and for my boyfriend so he doesn’t keep eating rice and veggies. I keep making tea in my kettle. I’m cranky. I want to read, I want to game, I want to sleep, I want to go back to Canada, I want to eat all these cream eggs my mom bought me at once.

I don’t know if this is progression in any meaningful direction but in four weeks I can go back to Canada again and maybe this fog over my head will get lighter still.

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